To Whomever Is Responsible For Green Apple Replacing Lime In Skittles. (or the greatest crime of this century) An Open Letter.
You are quite undoubtedly in the top 50 worst human beings of all time. Literally. You are a war criminal and should be held accountable. You have ruined Skittles for me. Gone are the days of reckless abandon where I could throw handfuls of colored delight into my mouth. No, now there is a sugared coated feces monster lurking amongst my old friends. A putrid bile flavored abomination disguised as magic. Green apple you are bullshit. What was once a perfectly balanced culinary miracle is now a soul crushing crapfest. You, sir or madam, are surely a Dementor come to suck all joy from the world only to replace it with tiny green apple nightmares.
But perhaps I have been too harsh, perhaps you are some sublime martyr who has come to teach the world a cruel, cruel lesson. A lesson absolutely no one asked for. No. No one is that misguided. More likely you are Cobra Commander, or 1970s Spider-man cartoon era Doctor Octopus, and this is your ludicrously convoluted attempt at world domination. Well bravo sir you’ve successfully ruined one Man-child’s day. But I must admit I don’t see your end game, although that may be because my powers of intellect are lacking…
More likely you are just pure evil and when I close my eyes I can’t escape the image of you maniacally twiddling your, what can only be insanely boney, fingers as the wailing and gnashing of teeth fuels your cold black heart. You Dick Cheney of candy. You Emperor Palpatine of confection. You Prince Geoffrey of sweets. You most likely enjoy past times such as puppy kicking, stealing batteries from remotes, and saying pellow, melk, or expecially with frightening regularity. I imagine your voice to be a cross between Gilbert Gotfried and Fran Drescher, a sound so unholy it may or may not create blackholes of awful. Perhaps you consistently wear velour track suits or sweat pants, or maybe you’re a huge Nickleback fan and list the Jersey Shore as one of humanity’s greatest accomplishments. I can only speculate since evil like yours has never been seen on this earth.
There are not words to express how truly utterly and deeply I loathe you. The foundations of not only my snacking pyramid but also my entre life lay now literally in ruins because of this atrocity you have inflicted upon the world. I wish a plague of perpetual unending 90s sitcom style awkwardness upon your house and on your bloodline from now until your seed is wiped from this earth. I wish a punishment of watching nothing but Rob Schneider movies from now until the end of your days while be forced to eat your green apple bullshits. Your only option to right this wrong is to undo what you have done and then perform seppuku upon the altar of insulin.
Coldest darkest hatred,
A broken man
Dan Miller, candy enthusiast/historian is also President and Dictator for life of Rotten Meat Gallery.